Leilani Barkan
Leilani attended both Ohio State University and Kent State University and graduated with a bachelor’s degree in fine and professional arts. She has primarily been writing speeches for the past 3 ½ years and it was her speech writing that brought her to the Greater Canton Writers’ Guild in 2008. She is also active in Toastmasters, Inc. and has placed second in competition with her speech “Germus Operandi.”
There’s Plenty to Go Around
2008 winner
Humorous Speech by Leilani Barkan
I have been down on my dating luck for four years. Four years is how long it has taken for me to realize that I needed to get with it – after all, the entire dating world was happening online. Before I did this I made the mistake of telling my mom what I was planning to do. Her exact words were “Lani, you have a college degree and you are a nice girl, you don’t need to go online to find love.” Needless to say this slowed down my dating progress a bit. I had to find a way to push past the criticism. A few days later I finally had the courage to boldly respond to my mother with “I may have my college degree, mom, but you have to realize it is not paid for yet so I am exempt.”
I was finally free from the barriers I let someone else create. While I still had the confidence, I ran up to my computer and looked at all the package options. 2007 was my year for risk taking so I decided I would go for the boldest option – the 6 month guarantee – if you don’t find love in 6 months the next 6 months are free. Therefore I must meet someone special in 6 months!!! After all, I have a college degree!!!
I didn’t have to do much work the first few days as the new girl in town. I received 30 new messages in 48 hours. I then narrowed down the process by deciding to scientifically eliminate the candidates to the cutest one. Hey, that is what any girl would do! Besides being cute, his profile seemed sincere and he owned his own business. The initial e-mails went well and it didn’t take long to arrange a date with Eddie. Something changed with Eddie as soon as we decided to move our from behind the computer screen. Eddie changed. He was a ½ hour late with no phone call and no apology. But he was cute so I decided to give him another chance. It didn’t take long for him to really destroy the fondness I had originally felt for him. He asked me “why I would want to be in Toastmasters?” I explained and ended with the question “You are so confident you probably have no trouble speaking in front of people?” His response: “Yeah, I light up a room when I walk into it!” Great! I have a narcissist on my hands. I kept my cool, and
let him go on for 20 more minutes about himself before I looked at my watch and said to him in my best therapist voice “Well your 30 minutes are up you can go now.” I quickly ran to my car and called my alibi, Barb. I quickly told her the details of the date and finished with “I am the victim of my own circumstance and I have just started with this dating thing!”
Onwards and Upwards. I decided to take a few days to let the disappointment pass before I tried again.
Next up, Rick. This one started out just like all Hollywood romance movies start off – I thought I found my soul mate. I imagined it would not be long before the two of us would drive off into the perfect sunset together. It didn’t take me long to figure out there are always two agendas in every relationship. Things went from really great to an emotional roller coaster in a matter of days. In spite of the drama I really cared for this guy, so I tried to stay in touch. After 3 phone calls and 5 emails with no response I suddenly realized that I was one move away from having my story made into a movie. No one told me they had been searching years for the perfect follow up story for Fatal Attraction to cast Glenn Close in.
Onwards and upwards. This is what I had to keep telling myself!!! My heart was broken but I knew I had to move on.
How did I do this? I over indulged.
I dated a high school English teacher who explained that he was introverted. 5 months later I am still trying to figure trying to figure this one out because he talked for two hours on our date. The entire date was only two hours. The one time I did talk, I had to raise my hand. He listened for a minute and then he continued to talk about himself. Well at least he paid. Then there was “My Mystery Man”. That is what he preferred that I called him.
The best one was the man who admitted on our first date that he had 160 first dates with people he had met online. I’m no genius but I had a feeling that he was sitting with me thinking about the 162nd girl he would meet online.
I was starting to find out quickly what I didn’t want. I continued to search endlessly for the ideal person online. The problem was that most profiles fall into one of three predictable categories: There’s the guy that swears he’s different than all the rest. There’s the guy that has the picture with the Hooters t-shirt on and beer can in his hand. Then there’s the guy that is sure that everyone on the site is a loser. I decided to give one of these guys a chance, but he ended up canceling because he couldn’t drive to meet me. He received a DUI the week before.
After my own search, I decided on a new approach: I am going to rewrite my page so that the right person might find me:
My heading now reads Looking for Coauthor.
My biggest strength and biggest weakness is that it takes a lot for me to give up hope. My hope allows me the ability to hold on for a person that has a unique constellation of attributes that are in alignment with my own. I am ready to be brave with my Haley’s Comet when he comes along.
I later explained what qualities my Comet would posses: Consistency, compassion, kindness, appreciation and most importantly he must posses the ability to listen and to share in equal amounts. That’s not too much to ask for, right?
6 months has come and gone and I am exhausted. I have sincerely enjoyed my time with all of my dates – after all, it makes for good writing material. I have learned a great deal about myself. I’ve learned that you cannot put a guarantee or time frame on finding true love no matter what Dr. Phil says. I have learned that Haley’s Comet only comes around every 76 years. Maybe I should focus on my North Star. Most importantly, I have learned that what all great woman that have come before me have always known – true peace and happiness can only be found in two things; shopping and chocolate.